We were watching Now and Then, and it got to that bit where she tells Chrissy her parents are getting divorced, and I remembered standing in the front hall of stinas. You were crying and told me your parents were splitting up.
Then suddenly I could feel the sun, and the way I was slipping a little off the car, my jeans sliding on the clean metal when I told you I was moving. You put your arm out and I lay my head in the hollow between neck and shoulder and I cried into your olive skin. I felt your chin and nose, two separate sharp points on my scalp and I knew you might be crying too.
I remembered the months where only you knew. Where I couldn't explain why I was so stressed. I almost let it slip once. I said something about writing an essay about my grandmother and almost said why, and you had this glint of amusement in your eye. And you smiled when I said I was going to DC over spring break to be a tourist.
It's that same smile you give me whenever your secretly laughing at me. I look at you, your lips tight so you don't burst out laughing and your eyes a little narrow and I know whatever you're thinking. I know it and I know it's true. Just looking at you I know I have to laugh at myself. There's no need for you to tell me I'm being silly, you make me tell myself.
I can't beleive you're so far away some days. You can never leave my life. Someone will always crack a joke about you and remind me. I remember there was a time, about half a year, where we didn't talk. I was so afraid to call, so afraid it would be different. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell from the way you said hello just what you were thinking. I was afraid you wouldn't make me laugh so hard at myself. I got so touchy about them making Fiona jokes, because I was convincing myself that it was true, that you weren't real.
But then you're always there. Two seconds and we're on the same ground again. Each a little different, but almost more the same because of it. So many days I wish you were here, so we could bitch and watch movies and eat chocolate. But in some way, I know you are here, your lips a little pursed, your eyes a little narrow, and I can't help laughing at myself.